Why I Pray In The Shower

It’s hard to live in the moment sometimes, especially when we are worried or troubled about something, but I find the older I get the easier it becomes. I’m coming up on my fifty second birthday, and this past year went by very quickly.  This awareness of my time here on Earth passing by so quickly helps me to stop worrying about things and try to live my life to its fullest. A lot of people have fears and insecurities in their life today, and I’m not saying I have the answers to everyone’s troubles, but if we want to live a happier and fuller life, we need to focus on what’s good in it and realize how short it is, and can be.

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Tags: growing older, Happiness, living life to its fullest, why i pray in the shower

I know that life can take its toll on us sometimes, because it does on me occasionally. There have been times even recently when I felt like packing it all in and saying the hell with everything. The thing is I didn’t. Although I did dwell in some negative emotions and let certain fears and insecurities affect me, I kept trying to find balance and meaning in my life.  Balance first, and meaning later. Balance is a mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior and judgment, and I believe in using the tools of prayer, people, hope, and self-talk to help me regain that balance. However, regaining meaning to my life is sometimes harder. Meaning can be defined as the end, purpose, or significance of something, and even with what I’ve accomplished so far in my life, I can still feel unfulfilled and without purpose at times. I can use the tools I mentioned to help me figure out why I’m feeling the way I do, but this doesn’t work as easily as it does in restoring balance back in my life. Stepping out on faith, and not giving up before seeing the results of our efforts to realize our purpose in life seems to be the answer. For example, my purpose is to help others. It’s just sometimes when my life gets out of balance, I can temporarily forget that faith and helping others is what gives my life meaning.

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Tags: emotional balance, meaning in life, overcoming adversity, why i pray in the shower

It can be devastating to lose a parent, and some people never get over it. There are those, however, that while greatly affected by the loss go through the natural grieving process and eventually accept it.  Having recently loss my mother, who was 73 years old and in failing health, I can understand the feelings of devastation I mentioned because I miss my mother far more than I thought I would. Fortunately, however, remembering how much she always loved me, and that she always knew how much I loved her, helps me handle the overwhelming feelings of loss. What also helps me cope with the loss I feel are three great memories I have of my mom. The first , and my earliest memory is when I was four years old.  My parents and I lived in an old row home that for a little boy with a vivid imagination like I had could be scary at times, especially when going upstairs to the bathroom by myself.  By the time I reached the top of the old wooden stairs that creaked and led almost directly to the small dark bathroom, I was already calling out to my mother so I could hear her voice and feel more secure on my venture. “Mom!” I would yell. “Yes Darryl?” She would ask. “What are you doin?” “Watching TV” she’d answer in a voice that said she knew what was coming next. “Mom!” I would start again as I stood in front of the commode getting ready to do what I went up there for. “Yes Darryl? She would patiently ask again. “Do you love me?” Her standard answer was always “Yes I love you, now hurry up and get done.” When I was done, I would ask her something else while quickly flushing the toilet and running out of the bathroom toward the stairs. Although by this time her patience would become somewhat diminished, she would still always answer me back. I’m fairly certain I’d ask yet another question on my way down the steps, but I am entirely certain of one thing. When I got back to our front room and saw her sitting there watching TV, I wasn’t scared anymore. The second memory I have, and one of the most recent ones is when my mom and dad visited me and my wife over Father’s Day this year.  Just after their arrival we all sat on the deck out in front of our place, and talked for awhile. What made this memorable was the fact that I sat beside my mom and the whole time we were sitting there talking, she was holding my hand and rubbing it with her thumb. Now this wasn’t all that unusual as she had done it at other times when we were together, but this time she did it in such a way that I could tell she wanted me to know she was doing it. This wasn’t the most significant part of this visit though, or the most significant part of this memory. My mom had lost a lot of weight over the years which was mostly due to emphysema from smoking.  Although she had always been a very pretty woman, she was never entirely happy with her looks, and the weight loss greatly added to the unhappiness she felt about her appearance. This often hindered her in finding clothes to wear, and she had remarked during the visit that she was upset because she couldn’t find anything nice to wear to my son’s upcoming wedding. On the day before my parents left, however, my wife and dad and I took her shopping determined to find something she could wear for the wedding. My wife, who is good at picking out apparel for herself and me, found a beautiful little black and white dress with an appealing pattern, and a dark colored shawl that matched very well it. At first, I could tell she wasn’t sure about the two selections my wife made, but I told her to go try the dress and shawl on before she said no. While she was in changing, we all stood outside the dressing room area waiting for her along with two young ladies that worked there. I had been carrying on with the two of them, and I had told them how hard it was to please my mom when it came to clothing.  After she came out, she stood there and raised her forearms and upturned hands toward us with an expression on her face that asked. “Well, how do I look?” Everyone was silent for a few seconds because of how eloquent she looked standing there in that dress and shawl, and then one by one we all told her how good she looked.  I could tell by her reaction that she was satisfied and even happy. After shopping we went out to eat, and eventually ended the day on a very happy note. My mom and dad would leave the following day, and that would be the last time I would see my mom which brings me to the third great memory of her. It came during the last day of my visit with my father after my mother’s passing. We were in their bedroom looking at different things of my mom’s and talking when my dad walked over to the closet and pulled out the dress and shawl my wife had picked out for my mom. “Here’s that dress she liked” he said, and started to cry as he added. “She was so happy to finally have something to wear to the wedding.”  I immediately began crying as well, and took the dress from his hands to look closer at it. I then held the dress and shawl close to my body actually hugging it, and with my eyes closed, I began sobbing out loud. Only a few seconds passed when for some reason I opened my eyes and saw something that actually made me smile a little. I was standing in front of a long vertical mirror attached to the door of another smaller closet and because of the way I was holding and hugging the dress and shawl, it looked like I was wearing the combination. I told my dad that mom would have laughed at this, and he agreed. To me, this would be one more time I got to hug my mom, and because of that dress, it won’t be the last. Below is a song that has significance in my relationship with my mother.

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Tags: grief, losing a loved one, love, memories, mother

The phrase “my life flashed right before my eyes” came to mind as I was getting ready to write this post. The reason it came to mind is that right before I was ready to sit down and begin writing, I happen to walk by my wife’s open laptop and saw her screen saver running. She has it set to slowly display one picture at a time of all the friends and family we’ve shared time with over the years at different events and holidays.  As I stood there watching each picture go by, I began to cry as the many pictures of our children and grandson would momentarily appear and then give way to the next.  It made me realize more than ever how quickly time goes by and reinforced my feelings of how important it is to live our lives in the moment, especially when we’re with those we love. I honestly do try to live my life one moment at a time which is how I also live it one day at a time.  I first heard the phrase “living one day at time” in AA and although it was quite hard for me to do throughout my sobriety, looking back now, I was doing it most days without even realizing it. Each day did involve thoughts of past and future events, but meetings and talks with people in AA would help me to redirect my thinking of remorse for past incidents and worries about the future and try to be as happy as I could at the time.  Even today there are occasions when I feel some regrets from the past, or I begin to worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet, but I know how to handle these feelings today. If there is one thing I’ve learned about living one day at a time, it’s to try as hard as I can not to let the little things bother me in life, and not be afraid of whatever adversity may come my way.  Although unwanted events and circumstances have been a part of my sobriety, I have always gotten stronger from them. This often involved using the tools of prayer, people, hope, and self-talk to help me get through them, and those tools have never failed me. Today, I experience very few problems in my life, but if I do, I try to look at it as an opportunity to grow.  I admit it can be hard to do this, and I’m not saying I don’t experience fear and insecurity in those times, but I can say I experience it much less than I use to. I simply remember how quickly time goes by and that our time here is short. I also remember a quote I read several years ago. –”There are two kinds of worry–those you can do something about and those you can’t. Don’t spend any time on the latter.”–As far as past regrets go; I have made my amends to people I hurt, and today I try not to do things that I will have to make amends for. I’ve made great strides in becoming a better person than I was before which I also did one day at a time, and this in itself helps me to live in the moment and to be grateful for my life and those in it that I love so much.

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Tags: alcoholics anonymous, family, living in the moment, living one day at a time, love